Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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