dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
