Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
