in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I smell like Dick and happiness
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