Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
