my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
