Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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