my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
