Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
