Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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