He kissed a someone with a penis
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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