The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
