I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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