i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
