my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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