Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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