Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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