cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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