I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
