Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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