i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Floor bacon is actually really good
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
