in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
