i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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