Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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