seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
