I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
