Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize