i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
