Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
