it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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