just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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