Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
