cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
