I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
