My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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