I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
