1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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