He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
