People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
