pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
