Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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