really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
