the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
