Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
