So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
