I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
