The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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