Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
