Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
