i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
