the condom got lost in my hair
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
