ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize