i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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