Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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