If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
