dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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