I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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