I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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