Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize