hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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