remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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