He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
