So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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