Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
