i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize