I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
