shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
