Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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